He’s Friendly With his Ex!?
November 12, 2007
Hello again, my friends, to the Manslations website that never ends. We’re back with a reader named Elizabeth, who has a guy who is still close with his ex. She was cool with that, until recently when she felt that he crossed a line. Let’s see if we can’t figure out whether there’s real trouble brewing or what’s going on here. Elizabeth writes:
Dear Jeff,
First of all, thank you for your amazing website! It’s been really helpful to me in the dating process. It made me so much for laidback!
I’ve been dating a great guy for a month now. We see each other every day, he is thoughtful and really commited to our new relationship (yes, we had the odd ‘are we exclusive’ conversation and he introduces me as his girlfriend), I’ve also met his friends and some of his family members.
However, there is something that is bothering me. He had a serious relationship in the past (for 5 years), they lived together and he admitted he thought they’d end up married and with kids. But she broke up with him. They are ‘friends’ now and call occasionally, which I accept. Untill today that is. I was spending the night at his place, when he announced he had to wake up early to feed her pet rabbit. She had some sort of weekend with her family and asked him to do so.
This made me feel extremely uncomfortable. Not only are they still ‘friends’, but he has a key to her place as well. He says he’s in love with me and wants to be with me now, but that she still means a great deal to him as well.So my question is, am I wasting my time? Am I some sort of time-killer untill they get back together? I hope you can advise me on this matter.
Thanks a lot in advance!!
- Elizabeth
Dear Elizabeth,
Funny you should ask ME such a question. And even funnier that the last woman who voiced this concern to me was ALSO named Elizabeth, and her concerns were actually ABOUT me. It wasn’t so much “funny ha ha” as it was, “funny how awkward and tense this conversation is.” It was pretty intense. Let me ’splain.
So, I met my currently girlfriend 2 months after ending an 8 year relationship. I wasn’t looking for a girlfriend at the time. Like, at all. I was exhausted. In fact I was pretty sure I was going to have to spend some time in what I was referring to as the “relationship penalty box.” As in, “You had your chance, dude. 8 years of it. Now, you go to your room and think about what you’ve done.” Fortunately, life doesn’t spread things along the timeline exactly like you think it’s going to, and I met my current girlfriend right in the middle of the time during which you’re supposed to be worrying that you’re going to die alone by choking on a TV dinner. And because my breakup hadn’t been related to an infidelity, or us throwing stuff at each other or anything, I was still friends with the ex.
Here are some things that jump out at me in your situation:
- NO SECRET: This isn’t an ironclad rule, but most guys who have the intention or desire to be with someone other than YOU would keep all talk of that woman from you. We’re pretty dumb, but almost no guy is THAT dumb. He’s being pretty open about her. And feeding a rabbit is not necessarily the act of a cheating heart. In a way, I’d say that it can be a POSITIVE that he’s still friendly with the ex. Why? Because it would tend to imply (to me, anyway) that there’s no lingering, unresolved ROMANCE there. If there were, I’d think he’d have a rough time being in contact with her, you know?
- HE DOESN’T SOUND INTERESTED IN HER ANYMORE: Look, I’m not going to tell you that guys NEVER want to get back together with their exes, but it sounds like this particular guy is serious about YOU. And to speak from my situation (which sounds like it was in some ways similar) I certainly wasn’t still interested in dating MY ex. But that didn’t mean that I wanted to just cut her out of my life entirely. Just romantically. Which brings me to…
- YOU TWO NEED TIME TO CATCH UP: There’s nothing you can do about the fact that he hasn’t been with you for as long as he was with her (yet). Look, 5 years is a long time. Way longer than, say, a month. In my case (8 years, which is even longer than 5 years OR a month if you think about it. That’s “math,” people. Look it up.) my ex and I were still close — like family. We weren’t still in LOVE, but we weren’t strangers either. My current girlfriend and I just needed time for our roots to get into the dirt, you know?
- DON’T FEEL BADLY ABOUT TELLING THE DUDE WHAT’S UP: When my girlfriend ultimately told me, “Look, I know she was a big part of your life, but…” it was an uncomfortable moment, to say the least. But it was something that I needed to hear. I mean, look, it wasn’t easy to even remove the ex from conversation — 90% of the things that had happened to me in the past 8 friggin’ years had involved HER in one way or another. But there came a moment when Liz (MY Liz, not you, you understand) needed to understand that she was my woman, my ONLY woman. And while I certainly have a past, and yes, that past involves other women (some of whom I’m still close with) she needed to hear that she was primary.
WHAT CAN YOU DO?
Ok, here’s what I’d say. I’m not getting a vibe from him that he wishes he could get back with her. However, that doesn’t mean you have to like that she’s got any sort of a “claim” on his time.
Of course, THAT doesn’t mean that he will stop contacting her. And I’d recommend NOT demanding that. Why? Because there is ZERO upside to it. See, he is either:
- Over her: in which case, you are insisting he stop doing something that he’s not even DOING, which will make him feel like you don’t trust or believe him.
- NOT over her: in which case you are forbidding him to be in love with her. Which, uh, wouldn’t work.
And it doesn’t seem that you are asking him to stop contacting her. I mean, in an ideal world, sure. But you seem to understand that he wasn’t born on the day he met you. You just don’t want to be fooled, and have it turn out that he’s still in love with her. So, given that, I’d say to have a conversation with him where you give him the following info:
- You understand that he’s still close with her, but you found it troubling that he still has a key to her place, and can he understand that that might weird you out a little?
- You need him to be very honest with you RIGHT now about his feelings for her
- If you believe that he’s telling you the truth, you MUST let him know that you believe and trust him (and if you do NOT believe and trust him, well, you’re both in trouble, you know?)
- You agree to be cool with his friendship with her, on the condition that HE understands that you are human, and can only be SO cool. Even Fonzie had limits. You two are building YOUR thing together, and it needs some care to allow it to take root.
Look, I can’t tell you that he is or isn’t interested in his ex. But I can tell you that he’s not giving off any signs that he’s in love with someone that isn’t you.
In my situation, there were definitely a few bumpy moments as we built our own story. In a way, it was like building a house on the same lot where a different house used to be. Sure, it involves some clearing away of stuff. But if it’s right, it doesn’t matter what used to be there.
Ladies? Ever been with a guy who was friendly with the Ex? How did it go?
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1.
Shelby | November 12, 2007 at 9:11 am
Jeff is very right! My current boyfriend had an ex (also named Elizabeth…weird?!) They had lived together for about a year and had been “engaged” (engaged only because she’d put the squeeze on him) and they’d had a difficult relationship at best. When we first dated (for the first 3 months or so) he still received calls from her and even visited her after a hip surgery. This drove me to the brink but what I did from the beginning was pretty much as Jeff has described, here. His advice is priceless here because when I showed my boyfriend that although this bothered me, I was secure in the relationship. Eventually the contact stopped. And when she told him that she still had feelings for him he told her that he was involved in a relationship with me. Jeff is 100% correct.
2.
Just Me Again | November 12, 2007 at 12:43 pm
Gotta chime in and agree with Jeff. Only my case is even more X-treme — I was with my ex for almost 30 (thirty!) years and we still have one young child at home (homes?)
We’re both involved with other people now (first time for both) but we still communicate almost daily, partially because of our child, partially out of habit (over half of my life!) and we do have keys to each other’s houses. Although we’re a year out from our breakup now so it’s starting to taper off.
People are baffled by the congeniality of our relationship. I tell them he’s like an older sibling that I’ve spent w-a-a-y too much time with. Which is pretty much what it feels like. He’ll always be family, but I sure am glad I don’t have to live with him any more.
p.s. to Jeff: I hear ya about things happening before you’re ready. I was planning an extended (possibly permanent) stay in the relationship penalty box myself.
p.p.s. And *my* name is Elizabeth… this is getting really weird.
3.
Jeff Mac | November 12, 2007 at 2:38 pm
Shelby: Good for you for trusting him (given that he turned out to have been trustworthy, of course. Obviously it’s not good to trust EVERY damn body.)
I know it can’t have been easy, but it’s such a relationship killer when someone feels like their partner doesn’t believe them.
Just Me Again: Yeah, I have plenty of friends who don’t get how I’m friendly with an ex, but 8 years is a long time. And 30 is, as I understand it, even longer (there’s that “math” again.)
And to both of you and anyone else within earshot — enough with the Elizabeths. It’s getting too freaky…
4.
writesome | November 12, 2007 at 6:59 pm
My ex and I speak every day too. We have two young children so it’s a necessity. Our friends and family think it’s odd that we are so friendly but not in love and wonder why we don’t just get back together. He’s had a girlfriend since the beginning of our breakup and I’m cool with that. I don’t want to be where she is so why bring anything negative to the situation…we have two kids remember? I guess she is ok with our congeniality, she’ll have to be as will the guy who gets me. BTW, none of us are named Elizabeth. I’m breaking the chain here…you’re welcome. Good luck Elizabeth. Jeff’s right, last of trust will eventually break the deal. We all want to feel trusted by the person we are with.
5.
Jeff Mac | November 13, 2007 at 7:36 am
writesome: Whew. Thank god we’re through the Elizabeth streak…
I love that they wonder why you don’t get back together. Uh…do they think you went through all the “breaking up” part, you know, for fun?
6.
Elizabeth | November 13, 2007 at 10:51 am
Haha, how odd! So many Elizabeths around! Thanks for your advice Jeff. Its been a while since I emailed you my question, so I had to deal with it on my ‘own’.
I openly spoke with him about my concens, stating that I respect their past and that I understand that she’s been a huge part of his life. I told him I trust him to know where the ‘line’ is and that he shouldn’t tell me everything that won’t concern me in a direct way. That way I won’t start freaking out (I tend to overthing and overanalyze..). I must say that this ’solution’ works pretty well for me.
7.
Loiralei | November 13, 2007 at 11:40 am
I’m changing my name to “Elizabeth”! It seems like that name gets all the action!
8.
Loiralei | November 13, 2007 at 11:43 am
Heck! She’s even been Queen a few times!
9.
Jeff Mac | November 13, 2007 at 12:32 pm
Elizabeth: Sounds like a great plan. I’m glad it’s all working!
Loiralei: Interesting thinking, but I’d warn you against modeling your future sex life off of the Queen of England. Could just be my American eyes, but I’m not seeing too much “wildchild” in her…
10.
Lucy | January 9, 2008 at 6:42 pm
Well, I was the new girlfriend and my boyfriend was on friendly terms with his ex-fiancee. We lasted about six months, and a couple of months after we broke up, and he got back with her. They’ve been back together for over a year and have moved in together. And so, oddly, I became the ex-girlfriend who’s still close friends with the boy. It was a long time before I met his girlfriend, but we manage to be polite and friendly to each other. Don’t think us girls are ever going to be that close though…
11.
Jeff Mac | January 10, 2008 at 9:39 am
Lucy: Well gosh, I can’t imagine why you two can’t be bestest pals…
Thanks for the story, though I’m sorry it worked out like it did. Then again, maybe I’m not. I think in the long run you want a guy who’s in it for YOU, not one who’s trying to forget someone else.
And on the “meeting the ex’s current squeeze” front, I was in a situation once where my girlfriend left me for another dude. I later met him, did the big thing, went up, shook his hand, and he gave me such a “who the hell do you think you are?” look, you wouldn’t believe it. I was like, “You have my woman. What do you want, my car? My credit card to take her OUT?”
12.
What’s Up With Him &hellip | April 9, 2008 at 6:38 am
[...] further reading, the post she’s referring to is this one, and there’s a good bunch of comments on there.) My situation is [...]
13.
sweetie | May 14, 2008 at 7:53 pm
My fiance has an ex who is currently working for him. He owns a huge business and says that he needs her to work, She is now with a partner and has one child. However, i still find her annoying, bossy and disrespectful. She’s very bossy and when i’m around she has no respect for me. Recently, i heard that he picked her up because she had a flat tyre, and there is another rumour that i suspect that maybe he has picked her on a couple of times to drop her off at work or at her house, but i am not sure. Recently she called and asked to use our gym, which resulted in me and my fiance arguing , she keeps calling and asking for things, and i am very tired of this. He only tells her no, because i get upset, he doesn’t talk to her when i’m around , but when i am not around i suspect that they are very comfortable with each other. His ex’s partner also works for my fiance, so basicly he’s looking after them, his family is close to her and she is always around. I know i will have to live having her around for the rest of my life!..am i going insane or being irrational?, He says that he doesn’t love her, (they were in a 7 years relationship, but had no kids)what should i do ?