Manslations

A reader named Janet has a question that she deems “so simple.” So let’s get right to it!  How can she tell who’s naughty and who’s nice?

This is so simple.

Woohoo! It’s Friday! I LOVE simple!

A nice guy.  I just want to know, if I’m looking for a nice guy tell me what type of qualities a “nice guy” possesses.

Aw, crap. That ain’t simple.

I know everyone’s standards are different.

Mmkay, good.

But if a guy is the real deal, how am I supposed to know?

Well…how do you know you like the sandwiches you like? (Cut me some slack, I’m trying to lose weight and everything seems like sandwiches to me.) (more…)

Sara is far, far away from the guy she has just started maybe, kinda sorta seeing. In the heat of the moment, at the beginning, he said some stuff, but now he’s not so communicative online. What to make of this? Here’s an excerpt, with the main question:

First he talked about us moving in together, then he said that wasn’t a good idea.  Then he said when I come back, we should just take it slow and start dating.  But, he barely talks to me online, even though he is online all the time.  He says that maybe he’ll call on a day, but he rarely does when he says so.  Is he losing interest?  Is he just trying to distance himself while I’m away?  What should I expect when I move back out there and how should I interpret his lack of communication now that I’m far away?

Dear Sara,

Here’s how I would recommend interpreting behavior over the internet: (more…)

Request today from Shannon, who’s been with her man for about 3 months and is looking to become exclusive. She’s been doing some research on how to go about it. Here’s the money quote from her request:

I have done some searching on the internet and dating advice sites as well as discussing this with other friends, and the idea or strategy that has come up the most frequently is simply to back off for a while and give him some space so that theoretically he will come to me wanting more, etc. I guess that’s the whole idea of ‘men like to chase.’ This is my primary question, does this actually work??? Is it a good idea to back off for a bit and create a space to see if the guy will come to me? Or is this scheme one of those half-baked Cosmo creations? It seems possible to me that this might appear to be a lack of interest on my part and might make him even less interested in committing, but then that’s why I’m asking a guy, right.

Dear Shannon,

For the love of all that is holy and sacred, NO NO NO. Holy crap, no. This is (more…)

We have double-J JJenny, back for an update. Her man is busy, busy, busy, and she’s trying to decide if he’s worth the wait. Let’s see what we can do here:

Hello again.  I am in need of an “updated” Manslation if possible….

I wrote in about 4 months ago about someone I’ve been dating steadily (now for over 1 year).  Just a quick recap, I’m recently divorced, he’s divorced about 4 years, I have a young child.  He currenly attends college at night and works during the day.  I work full time as well.   My problem has been that I don’t feel like I get enough attention (quality or quantity, I’ll take either) from him.  We started out seeing each other a few hours each Saturday and eventually moved up to 2X a week when HIS schedule (more…)

Strange situation to start the week, folks. We’ve got a married couple, married 4 years, and he spends all kinds of time chatting with other women. Our requester, Pany, feels that this is emotional and mental cheating, and wants to know if there is any way he could really stop all of this.

Let’s see if there’s hope for Pany and Cheaty McWanderer.

My husband of 4 years has cheated on me emotionally and mentally with several females through out our marriage. He tells me he doesn’t and never has had sex with them. This is what I am told by these other females also.

Wow. And I bet those were some of the most awkward conversations that anyone on the earth has ever imagined. Having been raised in Connecticut, my hiney just locked itself shut for the day, thanks.

He claims he would neve (more…)

A reader calling herself “Kim the Caring” was dating what seemed to be her perfect man. (Let’s call him “William the Conqueror” to keep the nomenclatures lined up properly.) At a little over 3 months — right after asking her to go on a weekend away, mind you — he lowered the boom. Dumped her. Buh-bye. Don’t let all your unanswered questions smack you on the ass on the way out.

The request is kind of long (full text at the bottom) but Kim the Caring has kindly bullet pointed it FOR me. (Now that IS caring!) Here’s what he said when he dumped her:

* I’ve been thinking about this for a month now and I think we’re too different (huh?! but we get along so well! - why would you continue trying so hard if you knew for a month you weren’t sure??)
* I’m on a mission to find a wife, and I don’t think your my soulmate (wow - I didn’t know I was being so scruitinized?!)
* I don’t want to waste any more of your time (thank g-d!!)

Now, right here we have an interesting example of a man’s words lining up perfectly with his actions. Well, except for that last one about not (more…)

Lola used to be an expert on men (err…maybe) until she was suddenly single and forced to ask some serious questions about herself. She’s decided to 86 the young’uns and date more mature dudes. Trouble is, they keep vanishing on her!

<seinfeld voice>What…is the deal…with that?!</seinfeld voice>

Hi Jeff-

So, I used to be an expert on men…or at least I thought. Until my last serious relationship ended about 8 months ago. This man (younger) made me consider and think things about myself that never before crossed my mind…and most of them weren’t positive. I work too much, I like to put fun pictures on myspace, I don’t have many friends left from high school. Thus, the demise of our courtship.

Wait…you broke up in part because you like to put up fun pictures on myspace? I don’t follow. Unless, you know, these pictures are far more “fun” than I’m imagining. (I’m imagining pictures of french bulldogs wearing sweaters and/or hilarious hats, if that helps.)

Which takes me into a new (more…)

Today we will hear the tale of Janie, a young lady who is with the perfect man. His one flaw — he doesn’t think that she’s the perfect woman. Let’s see if we can’t figure out what’s going on.

I have had this male friend for about 4 years now. We met by working together, only to find we actually sat together at the same table in high school, only both of us were so shy, neither of us talked!

We started getting close while we were working together at the age of about 18. We are both 21 now and we have gone through stages. He doesn’t date really, has amazing values, and tremendously hard work ethic; he has the mind set of a 45 year old business man and actually is quite the entrepreneur himself.

I, on the other hand, have the BODY of a 45 year old business man. Not as attractive a quality as the mind set thing, but we work with what we have, you know?

He once liked me when we were (more…)

A reader named Beth has reconnected with her college ex. There’s been a little back-n-forth, but mostly they haven’t been “dating” per se. But they have been phone-humping. She wants to know what’s going on. Is she being used for le sex du phone? Let’s find out.

So I could give you the long version of the story and bore you to tears but I think the short one will do just fine…

Agreed. Most of the time the long version isn’t all that much more informative anyway. Also, I will start to skim, and might miss the good parts.

My college ex came back into my life (more…)

Tough situation today. Our requester is a regular reader here working under an assumed name. And by “regular” I mean she comes by here often, NOT that she poops daily. Though I hope that’s true as well, of course.

Moving on, in a moment of knee-jerk-ish-ness, she broke up with a man and now wishes that she had not done it. Is it possible to get the genie back into the bottle? (If ya know what I mean…Oh, hold on…no innuendo there. Sorry, I overreacted to that metaphor.)

Well…maybe. Let’s see if your situation adds up to a possible re-entry into couplehood:

I had a super great boyfriend. Really super. Two weeks ago I felt I had to break up with him. He agreed. You see, there was a Super Secret Issue involved. He did not stop me from breaking up with him. He just kept telling me I was doing the right thing. (more…)

(Manslator’s Note: Special thanks to Ms. Boulet for teaching me how to spell “Independence.” “It’s not the Indepen-DANCE, is it?”)

There will be no Manslation today. Trust me, the founding fathers would have wanted it this way. They didn’t go through all that revolution stuff just so I would have to write manslations on national holidays. That said, here are a few quick notes, just to keep you all informed on what’s going on in the bizarre world of Jeff Mac.

Couple of quickies.

AUSTRALIAN RULES MANSLATIONS

Number one, my delightful publisher, Sourcebooks, has sold the Australian publishing rights (more…)

Ok, we’ve got a very well-informed question today from Beth, who is frustrated that she can’t get men to talk about their feelings. I say “very well-informed” because Beth seems to understand what some of the pitfalls of this type of thing are. Her question — can’t a woman ever just talk with a man about their feelings already? How to do it?

No worries, Beth. I’ve got you covered. Beth writes:

Okay. So simple one here. Well, simple for you perhaps. Can you - once and for all (similar to the can a girl ever ask a guy out post), establish the way to have “the talk” (as in the relationship talk) with men? I find myself often in situations where I ask “what are you thinking about us” to the reaction of blank stares, stammering and a lot of semi-resentment because he feels put in a corner.

Yeah, I just soiled myself even reading that sentence. It’s definitely a bad question to (more…)

Well, well, well. Lookie what we got here. In a moment of weakness, Cythera made out with the wrong dude (boy, if I had a nickel for every GUY I’ve known to make that mistake) and now he’s blabbing all over the known universe about what they did, how much he likes her, etc. The problem? She doesn’t like him. What to do, what to do?

Hey,

I need real help here! So I met this guy like a month and a bit ago at a college, at the time, I was going out with another guy. Then about three weeks later, when I had broken up with my boyfriend, and was all vulnerable like, with guy and I made out briefly. He was making me food, all these guys were trying to make out with me, some other guys were doing drugs, and so I ended up staying the night. Thank god nothing really happened. We just kissed a bit in the morning.

Now he’s telling everyone how much we made out… EVERYTHING. How much (more…)

Strange and potentially unmanslatable one from Susan, who was invited over to dinner with her flirt-mate, only to be introduced to…Monica. Thump (that’s the sound of Susan’s jaw hitting the floor. Or the bag filled with birth control she was lugging over there. Whichever, it was pretty surprising.) So what the hump is going on around here? Let’s see if we can’t get some clues as to what Mr. TwoGirls was thinking…

Dear Jeff,

I am so glad I found your site!! I had a quick question as I am in need of a MANSLATION! I’ll try to make it quick:

I met this great guy through work and due to the nature of the business, we work together on a specific project once a year, which means I see him about once a year.

Say no more. You had me at “nature of the business.” I understand it. You both have the smuggler’s blues, and were looking for some companionship. (more…)

Well, you want to talk about your “out of my depth” moments? This is one o’ those. Anna is married to a man who has sexual fantasies — not so uncommon a complaint about men, several times on this website alone. However, in these fantasies, Mr. Anna sees himself as the woman. See…that’s a little different.

Hi, I would like to bring up that after 16 years of marriage my husband just told me that hes had a fantasy of what it would be like to be a women.For the past 5 years there has been no romance or hardly any sex.

Sure, I bet that might be a little tough, given that one of you doesn’t have the sexual parts of his choosing.

and i have been struggling for these 5 years trying to bring it all back. (more…)